Parenting the challenging/tough kids is well, challenging and tough! I cannot count how many times I’ve heard the following statements while teaching a parenting class:
“If I ever said/did that (disrespectful words/actions), I would’ve been knocked across the room.”
“Nothing works with him/her – they just don’t care – I’ve tried everything.”
“If my mom/dad looked at me sternly – that was enough – I’d burst into tears..not our kids.”
“I just don’t get it – why is parenting so difficult these days?”
Jim Fay of Love and Logic (r) puts it this way: “At no time in history have parents been more unsure of their parental role. Even the best are not all that sure about whether they are using the best techniques. They say that their kids don’t appear to be much like the ones they knew in years past. A lot of conflicting philosophies have been presented over the last thirty years. May of these sound good, but don’t seem to do the job of helping children become respectful, responsible, and a joy to be around. May ideas, offered with the best of intentions, center around making sure that kids are comfortable and feeling good about themselves in order to have a good self-concept. However, we have discovered that self-confidence is gained through struggle and achievement, not through someone telling you that you are number one. Self-confidence is not developed when kids are robbed of the opportunity to discover that they can indeed solve their own problems with caring adult guidance.”
What’s the answer? How do we raise thinking adults who are ready for the “real world”? It’s a simple answer – not an easy one…loving our kids enough to allow them to suffer the consequences of their poor behavior/words/disrespect/attitude/choices. How? Jim Fay puts it this way, “lock in our empathy, love, and understanding prior to telling kids what the consequences of their actions will be.”
In other words – take your temper out of the mix, lead with empathy and very few words. Adult anger and frustration fuels misbehavior. It seems kind of silly as I look into the rearview mirror of my past – and I’ll admit – I got angry…a lot. My anger and threats were unproductive – and the kids’ poor behavior continued. Learning the different skill sets that Love and Logic (r) teaches – gave me (drumroll) – the freedom to stay calm…to not be a slave to my anger! Shazam! Eureka! Hallelujah! Duh! wink emoticon
If you’d like to learn more about this – give me a call…832-444-7672 – or an email: kt@katedturner.com, better yet – sign up for a class or workshop. (Last class just finished – next set – TBA!)
I love sharing the skill set and success stories – not only from the Turner Family Laboratory (home), but from the thousands of parents I’ve worked with over the years.
Getting to the heart of what matters,
Kate
www.loveandlogic.com